I was kind of sad last night. We went to a baby shower and seeing other women who are about to have babies makes me feel sad sometimes and almost as a failure. I started thinking of the 3 babies that I had lost and how much I wanted them. You can't understand it unless you have been through it. But for every woman who has ever heard her childs hearbeat for the first time and the wonder that it holds will know the love you instantly feel for that child. Then to start bleeding and to know that the life you had is no longer there.....its hard.
Well this morning I was reading a book called "Heaven is for Real." I picked it up at the bookstore because it looked interesting. Its the story of a 4 year old boy who gets really sick and almost dies in the hospital. After he is better and taken home he starts to tell his parents all about how he saw Jesus and was taken to Heaven for awhile. (This booked is based off a true story). Well at one point after the surgery the little boy, Colton, walks in to the room and asks his mother if she ever had a baby in her tummy that had died. The mom is blown away because it happened before he was born and they never had told him. She asks him how he knows. Colton tells her that while he was in Heaven that a little girl ran up and hugged him. She told him that she was his sister. The mother lost the baby in miscarriage before she had ever learned the sex. The mom starts crying and ask what the little girl's name was. Colton tells her that she doesn't have one because they never gave her one, but that it was ok because God had adopted her. He also told the parents that the little girl said she was waiting for her mom and dad to come to Heaven so that they could be together.
Reading this chapter in the book made me break down and cry. I have been wondering the last few months about when the soul starts and if my babies had gone to Heaven or had just stopped existing. This book almost put me at peace because I know that one day I will see ALL of my children one day in Heaven.
If you haven't read this book, then I recommend that you do. Its eye opening and will strengthen your faith.